::day 3::

Today is my third day of water fasting and I really want some coffee or green tea. The first two days were relatively easy and I even exercised, but today I am feeling it. My whole body is achy, I am tired, my tongue has a white coating on it, and I have a headache. I doubt I will be able to exercise today. I am wondering if I need to switch to broth/tea/water fasting rather than just water fasting. Or maybe do 2 days with broth/juice and then 2 days with just water.

::SIBO::

I finished a 7-day course of Xifaxan (an antibiotic used for the treatment of SIBO - Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth) along with an antifungal and it has done absolutely nothing for me. I still look like I am 3 months pregnant when I wake up and I look about 6 to 7 months pregnant after I eat and feel absolutely miserable.

My next step - I think - will be a 14 day water fast. I really don't know what else to try.

::back to reality::

I have spent most of my life unaware. I don't remember about 98% of my childhood, or my teenage years, twenties, and to some degree my thirties are a blurr. For a while it had gotten better but here lately I feel like I am "gone" again - I mean mentally.

Today I was sitting at my laptop and I realized that I spend most of my day in denial. I read and hear so much about how we need to think positive thoughts and focus on what we want rather than what we have, but it sure hasn't gotten me anywhere. I was perfectly happy and positive last year when my health was improving and then suddenly it started going down hill. Now I tell myself all day long that I AM getting better or that I am already healthy and then at one point reality hits.

I am NOT healthy right now and every day is an effin struggle. There I said it. I wake up wishing the day was over. I get on my knees and beg God to give me wisdom and clarity and to lead me to the person who can at least tell me WHY I have the symptoms I have. I break down and cry, asking Him for something, ANYTHING. I get nothing. I feel numb, disappointed, angry, scared, discouraged, frustrated, and ready to give up.

Is it a surprise that I live in denial more often than not?

::life::

I wonder why some people have a seemingly great life while others struggle along and are hit with one hardship after another. I realize I am throwing myself a pity-party here, but I am wondering when it gets better. When does life become enjoyable? When do I wake up looking forward to the day rather than wondering how I am going to make it through the day today.

::Dr. Bolte Update::

My trip to NY was good. I really enjoyed walking around and seeing the sites. Dr. Bolte was nice and spent about 3 1/2 hours with me but I am unsure of how I feel about it. He had me do a stool tests with Genova Diagnostics and also a leaky gut test. I was somewhat disappointed because he is known for solving medical mysteries but for now he is going down the same road as every other doctor - bacteria, leaky gut, stool, etc. I feel I have addressed those issues extensively and that there is something else going on. I am still waiting on the test results.

In the meantime I have had bloody urine twice, flank pain that has now stopped, blood in my stool, and am more fatigued. A urinalysis revealed a pretty bad kidney infection. To avoid taking antibiotics I started taking D-Mannose and hope it will clear it up. I guess it could explain why I have been feeling even more fatigued and why my WBC keeps going down.

I also had some more blood tests done and my aldosterone continues to be high - even higher than the first time. The question is why. The abodminal CT would have revealed an adrenal tumor. I guess it could be a pituitary tumor but I doubt it. So there must be some external reasong for it (secondary hyperaldosteronism). High aldosterone will cause loss of potassium which can result in edema - I sure have a lot of that!

There was another disappointing thing about Dr. Bolte. He feels that Synthroid is better than Armour which I SO do not agree with. He also feels I need to stop taking hydrocortisone and my thyroid medication. That's great - I am all for getting off meds - but with all the stress we currently have trying to move there is no way I can make it without hydrocortisone. I feel I need to stay on it a little longer until we have moved and are settled in. Furthermore, I already gained 14 lbs which I would like to lose. Going off thyroid meds sure won't help me do so.

In an effort to get some hormonal balance I contacted Dr. Franklin's receptionist. He is an old friend from Austin that initially helped me with bio-identical hormones. There is an annual fee for seeing him but it's only $295. Given the fact that some doctors charge that for one visit I didn't think it was bad at all. I was asking some more questions about consultations, fees, etc. and also if he is familiar with hydrocortisone and cytomel (they thyroid med I currently take) and his receptionist said he would waive the annual fee AND he is very familiar with cytomel. I felt SO relieved. I used to trust him with my hormones and while it is hard to trust anybody at this point because I have been misdiagnosed and made worse so many times, if I can't trust him I don't know who I would trust. So it looks like I will start "seeing" him again and I am praying that he can bring my body back into balance. I have been feeling SO miserable and just want to be better.

I am also still on GAPS. I started the intro on 04.20.2009, made it about 7 days, then messed up with too much honey and nut butter. The latter is not supposed to be introduced until stage four or five I believe. So today I am starting over. I am hoping that working with Dr. Franklin on my hormones and doing GAPS will finally allow me to get back to where I need to be. I am SO tired of feeling lousy and having a pregnant looking belly every day since November.

Speaking of pregnant - I watched Knocked Up today again and I cried during the birth. There are many reasons I regret that I had a hysterectomy, and sometimes it's because I cannot have children. There are days - like today- when I am SO sad about the fact that I will never know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of me. And that I will never experience the love you can only have for a child - your own child. I have made a lot of wrong decisions in the past few years and I hope that going forward I will make the right decisions. I am praying for wisdom and clarity.

::Dr. Bolte::

The cleanse I did in January did nothing for me. Neither is SCD or the 10 day broth/tea/water fast I did in February. I finally weighed myself and I have put on 14 lbs - I gained it all between September and December and now can't seem to lose it. It goes without saying how frustrating that is.

I went to see Dr. Kevin Merigian and he felt that I have "fermentation" and "fungal overgrowth" in my gut. That was 6 weeks ago and after taking all the supplements he recommended that cost me around $350 I still have not seen any improvements. My next appointment is on Friday but I am not even sure I should go.

In the meantime I have an appointment with Dr. Bolte on April 9th. He is in NY and I am flying in on the 8th and leaving on the 10th. I had called him in December as he is supposedly the "real Dr. House". He asked me to send him a letter with my medical history and that he would call me. When I had not heard anything several weeks ago I sent him a letter asking if he had gotten my initial letter. Since then I have been asking God specifically that if Dr. Bolte can help me, that He would open up an appointment with Dr. Bolte.

Sunday morning I got a call from Dr. Bolte asking if I am still interested in making an appointment. YES!!! I am reacting to so many foods at this point I don't know what to eat anymore. I have abdominal distention every day and after I eat it gets worse - it's so bad not that I dread eating and most days wait until dinner before I eat. I am praying and hoping that Dr. Bolte can figure out what is wrong.

::cleaning house::

So much has happened since I last blogged - it always does. I wish I could keep up with writing daily or every 2 to 3 days.

I finally got rid of the daily headache, backache, and calf pain after wearing custom made orthotics. The only time I get a headache and backache now is if I go off diet - that would be sugar, alcohol, too much fruit, grains, etc. It's a pain in the ass and I am not happy about it but I can't change it overnight either. I learned about the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) which is what I am trying next after a 7 (or 10) day cleanse which I am starting today. Immediately after the cleanse I will go on the SCD which starts with chicken broth for 3 to 5 days. I have a multitude of symptoms right now, probably too many to list, but the most bothersome are weight gain and daily, non-stop abdominal distention for 45 days now. On 11/17/2008 I had a flat stomach and on 11/18/2008 I woke up with a pregnant looking stomach and it has not gone away since then. Normally this happends during "PMS" and goes away after a few days but it has never lasted this long. My doctor suggested an intestinal/liver cleanse. Other people who have similar problems have suggested bacterial overgrowth (which was already confirmed by a stool test back in April and apparently it has gotten worse). So in doing research and also signing up at a gluten-free forum I found the SCD. In a nutshell, it cuts out all disaccharides and polysaccharides which are grains and any sugars except honey.

I am hopeful that THIS will finally get me back to where I need to be. There are many people on the SCD who have had the same problems as I have. Most notably multiple food allergies which despite food rotation do not go away. Much like me they get rid of one allergy by avoiding the offending food for several months but by that time they have become intolerant to another food that they have been eating despite rotating that food every 4 days. The SCD supposedly starves out bad bacteria while still nourishing the body. If this does not help I am not sure what I am going to do. I can't even think about that possibility because as it is I am struggling through each day.