::back to reality::

I have spent most of my life unaware. I don't remember about 98% of my childhood, or my teenage years, twenties, and to some degree my thirties are a blurr. For a while it had gotten better but here lately I feel like I am "gone" again - I mean mentally.

Today I was sitting at my laptop and I realized that I spend most of my day in denial. I read and hear so much about how we need to think positive thoughts and focus on what we want rather than what we have, but it sure hasn't gotten me anywhere. I was perfectly happy and positive last year when my health was improving and then suddenly it started going down hill. Now I tell myself all day long that I AM getting better or that I am already healthy and then at one point reality hits.

I am NOT healthy right now and every day is an effin struggle. There I said it. I wake up wishing the day was over. I get on my knees and beg God to give me wisdom and clarity and to lead me to the person who can at least tell me WHY I have the symptoms I have. I break down and cry, asking Him for something, ANYTHING. I get nothing. I feel numb, disappointed, angry, scared, discouraged, frustrated, and ready to give up.

Is it a surprise that I live in denial more often than not?

::life::

I wonder why some people have a seemingly great life while others struggle along and are hit with one hardship after another. I realize I am throwing myself a pity-party here, but I am wondering when it gets better. When does life become enjoyable? When do I wake up looking forward to the day rather than wondering how I am going to make it through the day today.