Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day 17 - 10 AM

I wish I could go home. Tried to walk but my heart rate was so high, despite the beta blocker I took at 6 AM, that I turned around after 10 minutes. I am slightly bloated. Have been all morning. It's very mild but still disappointing. Once again I have so many questions? Is it hormones? Should I stop the progesterone cream or reduce it? Should I keep it the same for now considering I am seeing a PA on the 15th? Is the osteopathic therapist right about my posture and the blockage in my colon? Will the pain come back if I don't wear my orthotics? I have prayed and asked God questions than sat and tried to listen. I got nothing. It is one of the disappointments about this fast. I was so hoping that I would feel closer to God and hear from Him but I don't. It's like He's not there although I know He is.

I am trying to focus on the results I have seen so far - bloating GREATLY reduced even after broth last night. There was no discomfort. Eye lids or face are not swollen when I wake up. No more die off pain from taking Nystatin. Yet I had hoped for more. Am I expecting too much? It's not a rhetorical question. I would really like a reality check right now.

The bad part about doing the fast in Germany is the time difference between here and the US. I would really like to talk to someone right now but I don't really want to call anybody, not even Bob, at 3 AM. I can't talk to my mom for reasons I don't want to mention on a public blog. My friends here are at work right now.

I just want this to be over. I don't want life, eating, nourishment, to be THIS hard anymore. I want eating to be a normal, joyful experience again. And I want to know WHAT is wrong with my body. Not having an actual diagnosis is worse to me than being told I have cancer (I think). I hate these ups and downs. The joy and gratitude I felt after the osteopathic treatment yesterday. Then the disappointment when the bloating came back. Wondering what I will do in the US if I can't find an osteopathic therapist.

I just want my life back!

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