Emotions

I got my stool test results on Friday. Where to begin?! I still have wicked overgrowth of a bacteria called Klebsiella pneumoniae. It's been an issue for 2 years now - as far as I know. It could have been there longer. I have overgrowth of various strains of candida and also a yeast called Zygosaccharomyces bailii. My SIgA is 4.8 with normal level 51 to 204 mg/dL. This has also been an issue for at least 2 years now, if not longer. SIgA is the first line of defense of the GI mucosa and is central to the function of the GI tract as an immune barrier. My short chain fatty acid balance in my gut is off and the PH of my colon is too high (too alkaline). They found some good bacteria but the levels weren't great and they found absolutely NO growth of Lactobacillus and Bifidobacterium.

I can't say that I was surprised about any of this considering how I have been feeling. In a way I am excited that something showed up because it helps to have an explanation for your symptoms. The cool thing about the lab who did the stool test is that they cultured the bad bacteria and strains of yeast and then tested natural remedies as well as medications to see which antifungals/antibacterials they have become resistant to and which they are sensitive to. I have appt. with the doctor on Tuesday and I can't wait to hear what his treatment recommendations are going to be.

What I AM still surprised about is that things haven't gotten better in all this time. Elaine Gottshall in her book "Breaking The Vicious Cycle" said that a crumb of grains can feed billions of bacteria for a month. Could it really be that my occasional splurges (falling off the wagon) have caused me to stay sick? But there are times my "splurges" were eating a few walnuts. Surely a few walnuts are not going to keep the bacterial and/or fungal overgrowth that bad? I mean, how strict can I be? I am down to meat and fat, you would think SOMETHING would improve.

And while I am maintaining a relatively calm and stable on the outside (Bob may feel otherwise - not sure), on the inside I often feel like I am about to fall apart. I mowed the yard yesterday and it was SO hard for me. Our backyard is sloped in two directions and half of it is uneven. The lawnmower wheels get stuck and it's hard to move in certain areas. About 15 minutes into mowing (after I had already mowed the front yard and edged the backyard with the rather heavy gas powered edger), I just wanted to be done. Every time the lawnmower got stuck I felt like screaming or crying. I couldn't wait to get it over with. I know I could ask Bob to do it but it just doesn't seem right to expect him to take care of the yard when he works all week while I am unemployed and home all day.

Realizing how much strength and energy I am lacking through all these health issues makes me sad and angry. I used to go do a cardio or lift weights and THEN take care of the yard after working a stressful job all week. Now just mowing the yard puts me on the couch the rest of the day. Literally! I did some laundry and vacuumed the house yesterday, too, and then I felt like I couldn't function. I did nothing but sit around and read and watch TV the rest of the day. I was out of it.

Today I have felt like crying all morning for no particular reason. I am just tired of feeling this way - tired, brain foggy, exhausted, achy, constantly bloated, reacting to food, etc. I feel like I need some relief and I am not sure how to get it. While on some level I wonder if I have made things worse by occasionally eating nuts, at the same time I feel I have put so much effort into getting better. At some point the effort you put into healing seems more stressful than the benefit you are supposed to get out of it. In addition, I know I have to increase my intake of probiotics and lacto-fermented veggies, but anytime I do I have so much die off I can barely stand it. I increased my intake of sauerkraut juice yesterday and today I feel even more out of it than I normally do. I slept great last night yet I feel tired and exhausted. It seems like a vicious cycle I can't seem to get out of. Hopefully the doctor will have a plan that will help me.

Rosetta Stone

I purchased the Spanish language set from Rosetta Stone back in 2008 through Ebay. It turned out to be a scam which was annoying. The Ebay seller offered the product at a lower cost than Rosetta Stone was selling it for and claimed it was a new product. I think I paid about $80 less than I would have at Rosetta Stone. Once she had my payment, she called Rosetta Stone, placed an order in my name, and purchased it with an installment plan. She made the first payment on her credit card. When I got the product and realized it came directly from Rosetta Stone I contacted them immediately and it was a 5-day process to get everything worked out. Since I was able to prove that I purchased the product from someone at Ebay they waived the remainder of the payments. That was very nice!

Fast forward to today. I got a new laptop last week because mine was dying a slow death. I de-activated my Rosetta Stone language set on the old laptop as instructed, gave them the de-activation code and they said I am good to go with the installation on the new laptop. However, last week when I installed the application and then entered the activation code I was getting all kinds of error messages. I spent quite some time on the phone with them and it looked like it was working. When I actually tried to use it over the weekend, it kept asking me for an activation id so this morning I called them back. I had to 'splain the situation to two different people and then was told I need to hold on because they need to verify if my order is a valid order. UGH! That took a while but they did agree that my order is valid and my product is finally activated.

There's an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back.

The Morning After

I hate the day after a relapse. Aside from the emotional issues of regret, guilt, anger, etc. there are the physical side effects. It would seem that I have done this often enough to know that it's just not worth it, but here I am again feeling the misery. I wish I could bottle this feeling and next time I am tempted, take a sip, to know what it will feel like if I give in.

Then there are temptations as well. The carb/sugar cravings are all back again and that will take a good two or three days. It didn't help that we have a guest right now and we were toasting bagels for breakfast. The smell was heavenly and I love bagels but I did not have any. Actually, I am going to do my 3-day fast to give my body some relief. That was my original plan anyhow - fast one day a week and 3 days every month. Can't say that I am enjoying it but I know it will give me some relief from my hugely distended belly.

When will this end?

I am deep in the throws of this eating disorder again. I do great for a while and then it just hits me and I feel I can't cope any longer and I give in. Having still unresolved and more so, undiagnosed health issues is frustrating to say the least. Feeling awful every single day after eating for 18 consecutive months, is more than I feel I can deal with. I JUST want it to be over. There has got to be an answer, a solution. I feel like I am so close.

I made an appointment with an internal medicine physician. I am going to ask him to order a barium enema x-ray. Not that I am looking forward to such a procedure, but it would show if there really is a colon stricture or obstruction. I hope he will agree to order this test. Something is wrong and it's more than "just" fungal overgrowth. I got the results of the organic acid (urine) test back and it shows that I still have really high fungal overgrowth. How is that possible after all this time on a clean diet, anti-fungals, probiotics, detox baths, ferments, etc. It just doesn't make sense.

But right now I just want this day to be over. Tomorrow will be hard...the day after relapsing always is. I know it will be a struggle to get back on track but I have to. For my own sanity and for the sake of everybody in my life.

On My Knees - Day 9

I skipped a day or two but otherwise have been on my knees every day. I want health. I want this to be over so I keep praying. In the meantime I am trying to focus on the positive and what I want - health - versus what is - disease. It's not easy. My symptoms are just so puzzling.

Philippians 4:6-9 (New International Version)

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

On My Knees - Day 3

Haven't gotten on my knees yet today. Haven't even prayed much. I feel discouraged yet trying to stay positive. Heart rate this morning right after getting up 144. Felt like I was going to faint and had a hard time breathing. Took a beta blocker. Four hours later, while cleaning the house, heart rate 132. Took another beta blocker. In addition, swollen eye lids, puffy face, headache, upper backache, lower backache, calf pain, stuffy nose, burning eyes, fatigue, abdominal distention.

Why? I have been charting my food intake, supplements, etc. and there seems to be no consistency. Yesterday I thought the heart rate issue might be related to die off, today I am not sure. Yesterday I read the following statement about craniosacral therapy:

"Therapists are taught to use, appreciate, and develop profound insights through applying a very light, gentle touch-generally the pressure is equal to the weight of a nickel. It is believed that this light touch allows the therapist to receive as much information as possible from the patient's body, and to interact in a respectful, highly therapeutic manner."

Now as a Christian, I find it odd that a therapist or doctor can receive information from my body by placing his or her hands on my head. Who is giving the therapist that information. Definitely not God! So yesterday I was convinced that I need to stay away from this osteopath I went to see since she does craniosacral osteopathy, but this morning I am realizing that my heart rate was better for 2 or 3 days after her treatment and this morning I am right back to confusion.

Last night at church the service was all about being set free, focusing on God, turning to God versus addictions, and what we think will help us. One of the songs we sang was "Healer" so over and over I was singing "I believe you're my Healer - I believe You're all I need". I walked away wondering, once again, if I need to stop going to doctors and just trust that God will heal me - in HIS time. Then I wake up feeling like I do today and I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I am not enjoying my life right now. I am not living. I struggle through the day trying my best to do what I can to minimize all the many little symptoms. I am at the end of my rope - once again. I want to let go and let God catch me but I don't even know what that would look like.

On My Knees - Day 2

Today I woke up with a lot of anger. This is something I have noticed when I take a lot of anti-fungals and/or probiotics. I had 2 T coconut oil yesterday, some Paragone, a bit of homemade raw milk kefir, and 1/2 scoop Custom Probiotics (the latter is very potent). I also had the other typical symptoms of fatigue, swollen eye lids, puffy face, and some others. The good news is that they all went away fairly fast and I used to feel much worse with just coconut oil before the 21-day fast.

So I was really angry and decided that I am going to beat this illness once and for all. I had thought of just taking high doses of anti-fungals and dealing with the die off. Of course that's a bad idea because it's so much stress on my body that it elevates my heart rate. Or at least it appears that way. It seems the times I have taken lots of things that can produce die off my heart rate was much worse the next day. This morning it was hovering around 140 after I got up just while I was walking around the kitchen fixing my decaf. Then I end up taking a beta blocker and I really don't want to take them anymore.

On the way back from the vet, I stopped at the library and among other things picked up the book "Spontaneous Healing" by Andrew Weil. I happened to open the book up to the chapter titled "The Role of the Mind in Healing". Interesting since this is something I have been pondering and working on. Really trying to stay positive, think positive thoughts, and basically, throughout the day, focus on what I am focusing on. At the end of this chapter he says the following:

"Acceptance, submission, surrender - whatever one chooses to call it, this mental shift may be the master key that unlocks healing."

Interesting! He also tells a story about a man who conquered cancer through accepting the illness, facing his anger, and then loving his cancer because it's part of his body. You need to love oneself as a whole, including the illness, according to this man.

I am angry at this illness I have. I am angry at God for allowing it. And I am angry that I am not hearing from God although I have asked Him for wisdom more than once. This morning I wrote a prayer to God asking Him for guidance. Right now I am trying to decided which of three chiropractors I should go see. Then I got on my knees, thanked him for the progress I HAVE seen, thanked him for the many other positive things in my life, then once again asked Him for wisdom. I got nothing. Or is getting this book and reading this chapter my answer? Do I need to accept this illness, love the illness or symptoms, and have faith that I will heal? And if so, does that mean I do or don't se ea chiropractor? What does "having faith that I will heal " actually look like?

I do believe I need to learn to deal with stress more effectively. I hold it all in and don't allow myself to feel the feelings and that's not healthy. For all I know my symptoms ARE due to stress, unresolved anger, and candida overgrowth. But that wouldn't explain why the abdominal distention goes away when I don't eat. If I could JUST get rid of the abdominal distention it would make such a huge difference. I would gladlydeal with all the other pesky symptoms if I could just eat without being in discomfort.

On My Knees - Day 1

Once again I have decided that I need to be on my knees praying - daily. I feel like this quite often but most of the time don't follow through. Sometimes I don't even stop to pray. This morning I did albeit not very long. It was mostly a "please heal me" prayer to God. I did have some prayer time earlier today but not on my knees.

I just want to be healthy again. I want to eat a meal and feel ok. I want to have energy to work out again. I want to go on a cruise and not have to worry what's in my food. I am not asking for anything out of the ordinary - just health. Or really just wisdom at this point. What is going on with my body why has nothing I have done produced lasting, positive changes. I so wish God would speak to me, guide me. I so wish I could hear Him if he IS speaking to me. The bible says God gives wisdom to everyone who asks Him (James 1:5). Well, I have been asking for wisdom regarding my situation but I get nothing. Sometimes I wonder if God just wants me to eat right, exercise, reduce stress - in other words, live healthy - and when HE feels the time is right He will heal me either through a miracle or through leading me to the right doctor.