House Rules

I am reading a book by Jodi Picoult (one of my favorite fictional authors) called “House Rules”. The story is about a woman with two sons, one has autism. What I like about her books is that she narrates from each character’s perspective. Sometimes the same scene is described by two different characters. So I was reading a chapter the other day written from the autistic boy’s perspective. In it he writes about where he “goes” mentally and it really spoke to me. I talked about a black box in my head the other day but I think this describes it much better. From the book page 100:

“This is where I go, when I go:
It’s a room with no windows and no doors, and walls that are thin enough for me to see and hear everything but too thick to break through.
I’m there, but I’m not there.
I am pounding to be let out, but nobody can hear me.”

This is exactly how I feel. I can see myself going into my closet, getting on my knees, and crying out to God, but then I just don’t do it. I don’t know why, I just can’t or won’t. I function, I am polite, I take care of my husband, I feed/water my dogs, I mow the yard, I go to church….I do everything I am supposed to do. I am there but I am not really there. Physically I am, mentally and spiritually I am in that room without windows or doors. I hate how this feels. It’s a lonely place.

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Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor to discuss the results of the second stool test. This test showed that Klebsiella is gone, yeast is gone, still no growth of lactobacillus or bifidobacteria, and clostridia actually went up rather than down. Also, short chain fatty acids are still not optimal and sIgA, which was already really low, is even lower. The only suggestions he had was to go back on Culturelle to bring the clostridia down, to switch to his probiotic since a lot of people have success with it, and to add l-glutamine to possibly bring up the sIgA. I discussed the possibility of having a stricture of some sort in my small intestine and he said it’s possible. He was apologetic about the fact that my symptoms haven’t really improved much (if at all) and gave me the name of a gastroenterologist. He said the gastro could tell me what type of testing I might need to check for a stricture or adhesions. I am hesitant to go because the last highly touted gastro I went to told me I have IBS (this is after waiting 2 hours to see him and then him spending seven minutes with me) and gave me a prescription for Reglan and Sennoside. I tore both of them up.

Anyway, because I keep having this nagging feeling that there IS some structural issue, I guess I will go see this gastro. But while I was sitting with the doctor yesterday, and when I walked out, I was on the verge of tears. I had increased die off yesterday from going overboard on kefir the day before, AND I had woken up at 4 AM and was really, really tired. Part of me wants to stop going to doctors, but I am not sure I am ready for that yet. So to practically hear this doctor give up on me caused some anxiety. Millie has been encouraging me to just trust God and that he will heal me through GAPS. As I was running errands after the doc appointment I was wondering if this is the point God is bringing me to. Do I just stop and do GAPS and assume eventually it will heal my body? Do I keep pursuing the possibility of a structural issue? Two osteopaths in Germany told me I have a stricture. Actually, one said that “everything is sticking together”. Or do go back on Paragone in case there ARE parasites and my body just can’t heal with GAPS alone? I really don’t know what to do and of course being in that “room” described above, pretty much makes it impossible to hear from God.

I also felt very lonely yesterday because I desperately wanted to call someone and talk about the doctor’s appointment, but I didn’t know who to call. It made me feel like all that is left is God and that scares me because right now I don’t get any comfort from talking to God or reading the bible or going to church even. But again, is this the point God is trying to bring me to….where nothing is left but Him and my back of coping tricks is empty? I really don’t know.