Loss

In 1995 my dad got a dog named Kristy. She was a Shephard mix of some sort that he found at a shelter south of Dallas, TX where he was staying at his motor home. I had just gotten my black lab Dakota a few months prior and we went to visit them. Kristy must have been around 2 years old then and Kota was just a pup. It was fall and I remember they were playing in the leaves.

Last night Kristy went to sleep and didn't wake up. Mom knew it was coming but when it happens it's still a shock and it's hard. I know what it feels like to lose a dog because Dakota went missing while Bob and I were on our honeymoon. I still miss him. My mom has a routine with Kristy as most people do and it will be very hard for her. In addition, Kristy was mom's only companion and now she is all by herself. She was also the only thing we had left of Dad.

I didn't have a strong connection to Kristy but I did love her and I too had a routine when I was there. Ordinarily mom's friends Brigitte and Heinz would come pick up Kristy at mom's house in the morning while mom was at work. They would take her for a walk, then take Kristy to their house where she would hang out until mom came home from work and got her. When I went to visit mom I would take over the morning walks with Kristy, so it will be a change for me as well next time I visit mom.

What Kristy's death did for me is bring up overall feelings of loss that I probably haven't allowed myself to feel in a while. Loss of my dad. Loss of my grandparents. Loss of Dakota. Loss of my ability to have children. Loss of my health. Loss of my "in shape" body. Loss of a career I could have had if it wasn't for these health issues. Loss of friendships. Loss of the person I used to be before I got sick. Loss of our house in Austin. Loss of so many people and things. I know this will pass, but right now life seems overwhelmingly sad and unbearable. Most days I wake up wondering how I am going to make it through the day. So I was sitting outside in the sun thinking about all this crying my heart out. It's just going to be one of those days I suppose.

Low Carb Sunflowerseed Cookies

DH went back to eating low carb. He sticks to Paleo meals quite often, but also some regular low carb foods. Since I love to cook, and I want him to succeed in eating LC, I am always looking for new things to make for him. I either come up with my own recipes, or I find Paleo friendly recipes that I modify for him. The recipe I am about to post was adapted from this one: Paleo Mag Online Sunflowerseed Cookies

DH does not like raisins or honey, plus I wanted to reduce the carbs a bit. So I substituted sugar-free chocolate for the raisins, I reduced the honey by half and added 3 packets of Splenda. I added the egg/yolk to replace the honey. I know, not THE healthiest thing to eat, but for an occasional treat I think it's ok. Better than a high carb diet anyway.

what you need:

• 1 egg yolk
• 1 egg
• 1/2 cup sunflowerseed flour
• 1/8 cup honey
• 3 packets Splenda
• 2 tablespoons coconut flour
• 2 tablespoons unsweetened, shredded coconut
• 2 tablespoons vanilla extract
• 1/2  bar Russel Stover Sugar Free Dark Chocolate

Beat egg and egg yolk in a bowl. Crush chocolate bar into chunks of desired size. Add all remaining ingredients to eggs. Mix well and drop onto parchment paper lined cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 to 15 minutes or until edges turn golden brown.

GAPS Intro #7: Day 49

Two days ago I started taking teasel - an herb that kills Lyme bacteria. I was going to start with 1 drop but 2 drops came out. Yesterday I was going to take another 2 drops but 3 came out. Today I feel like utter crap. I am more fatigued and worn out than I normally am, I feel dizzy and get black spots in front of my eyes every time I stand up, I have this overwhelming desire to stay in bed all day, my eyes are more red/burning than usual, and I feel like I can't go on like this. The daily abdominal distention and constant, never-ending, insatiable hunger alone are wearing me out. I guess the die off I am getting is somewhat tolerable, but that's because I don't have any work right now. If I get more projects next week I am going to have to stop taking the teasel because I also cannot concentrate right now or wrap my mind around simple things, let alone complex programming.

This of course presents a huge problem. I am not going to get anywhere by taking probees (which I still can't tolerate) and herbs against Lyme and babesia (a co-infection I have) on weekends only. Actually, I am wondering if that would make things worse. So my plan is to do another fast. I was going to fast every spring and fall anyhow since I am a total believer in the benefits of fasting for healing and maintaining health. However, this time I am considering a 10-day water fast at TrueNorth Health Center in California rather than a water/broth/juice/tea fast at Malteser Klinik von Weckbecker in Germany where I have gone before. I have read that you can accomplish the same with a 10-day water fast as a 30-day juice fast and my goal is to feel better fast. I have no desire to continue feeling like this every single day for years to come. I would rather feel even worse for 10 days and then be at a much better starting point. At least that's my theory right now.

This gives me hope...

Lyme Success Stories

...and it made me cry. I am SO worn out on every level possible. I used to get up, have some coffee, go work out (running, weight lifting, Yoga, Pilates, more...), go work a full day, come home, cook dinner, and possibly go out with friends. Now cooking a meal seems like a chore. Filling the dogs' water bowel seems like too much some days. I miss the person I used to be and I am not happy with who I have become. Other than not knowing all these years what is truly causing my symptoms, not being able to do anything about them has been the hardest part. It seems that all my efforts to regain my health have been in vain. It is EXHAUSTING to try so hard to feel better yet feel like shit most days.

I used to be so focused and was able to concentrate and do my work no matter what was going on around me. It is something prior bosses commented on. Now I feel like I am trapped in a black box inside my head and all rational thought, focus, intelligence, and joy is outside that box, visible, but unreachable. It is the most horrible feeling when you try to explain something, put something into words, and you feel those words are within reach yet you cannot reach them. That is the best way I can describe it right now. Maybe one day, when I am past all this, I will be able to verbalize it better.

GAPS Intro #7: Day 38

I feel like crap. Two days ago I added in some fermented cod liver oil. I started with 1 ml on Friday and yesterday I had 1/4 tsp. I woke up with a wicked headache yesterday that never went away. Today I woke up again with a headache and also a backache and overall I fee like death. Since I may have to go back to work tomorrow I guess I won't be taking it today.

I am so tired of waking up feeling like crap every single day. The Lyme test results should be in by the end of next week - I hope. I want to start treating it but I wonder if I will even tolerate any kind of treatment. If the die off is this strong simply from fermented cod liver oil, how am I going to feel taking targeted herbs and homeopathics for Lyme's disease?

Trying not to be scared...

GAPS Intro #7: Day 35

Reading about Lyme disease, eating zero carb, doing the best I can to make it through each day with minimum symptoms which in itself is utterly draining.