Loss

In 1995 my dad got a dog named Kristy. She was a Shephard mix of some sort that he found at a shelter south of Dallas, TX where he was staying at his motor home. I had just gotten my black lab Dakota a few months prior and we went to visit them. Kristy must have been around 2 years old then and Kota was just a pup. It was fall and I remember they were playing in the leaves.

Last night Kristy went to sleep and didn't wake up. Mom knew it was coming but when it happens it's still a shock and it's hard. I know what it feels like to lose a dog because Dakota went missing while Bob and I were on our honeymoon. I still miss him. My mom has a routine with Kristy as most people do and it will be very hard for her. In addition, Kristy was mom's only companion and now she is all by herself. She was also the only thing we had left of Dad.

I didn't have a strong connection to Kristy but I did love her and I too had a routine when I was there. Ordinarily mom's friends Brigitte and Heinz would come pick up Kristy at mom's house in the morning while mom was at work. They would take her for a walk, then take Kristy to their house where she would hang out until mom came home from work and got her. When I went to visit mom I would take over the morning walks with Kristy, so it will be a change for me as well next time I visit mom.

What Kristy's death did for me is bring up overall feelings of loss that I probably haven't allowed myself to feel in a while. Loss of my dad. Loss of my grandparents. Loss of Dakota. Loss of my ability to have children. Loss of my health. Loss of my "in shape" body. Loss of a career I could have had if it wasn't for these health issues. Loss of friendships. Loss of the person I used to be before I got sick. Loss of our house in Austin. Loss of so many people and things. I know this will pass, but right now life seems overwhelmingly sad and unbearable. Most days I wake up wondering how I am going to make it through the day. So I was sitting outside in the sun thinking about all this crying my heart out. It's just going to be one of those days I suppose.