on my knees

For months now I have quite frequently felt this overwhelming urge to get on my knees and pray. I don't think it's God indicating if I am not on my knees my prayers won't be answered, but more of a desperation and frustration in my heart. Yet most of the time I don't. Sometimes I don't even stop to pray when I have the overwhelming feeling. But last night I decided that I would start today. Something needs to happen with my health and more prayer can only help. Today I got on my knees and I plan on getting on my knees every day to pray.

After the fast last year, which wasn't a strict water fast after all, I started eating zero carb (ZC). It has been helpful in some respects but I still feel like crap most of the time. I don't understand why. Could it really all be related to candida overgrowth and/or die off? It's so confusing.

I lost weight through fasting and that helped me to feel better overall. With ZC I was able to maintain that weight loss for the most part. I did cheat a few times and that set me back every time. Over the holidays I chewed some sugar free gum and had some sugar free cough drops because I feel self-conscious about my bad breath. Both had aspartame and some claim that candida will feed even on aspartame. Maybe that's why I feel worse.

While in Germany last year November my heart rate issue started improving. I remember walking mom's dog one morning and realizing that my HR was normal. I was even on a slight uphill and it was only 90 bpm. I was THRILLED. This continued for a while when I got home and then suddenly - not sure exactly when - it got worse again. I guess it was sometime in December that it started getting worse. On 12.16. I had a septoplasty and it seems since then it's been even worse. I had stopped taking the beta blockers in October but for the last month have taken it again quite a few times.

It appears that some foods like palm oil and goose for example, are making it much worse, but it is so hard to tell. I still sometimes wonder if it's due to my thyroid medication (Cytomel) but I have even cut it out completely one day and still had HR issues the next morning. Last week it was 138 one morning just from getting out of bed. The next day it was only 90 getting out of bed. I can't figure out why and that is the hardest thing of all. I am so tired of being tired and short of breath just walking up one flight of stairs.

Other than the HR issue I felt really good about a week after surgery. I had great energy, I was positive, my appetite was fine, I was maintaining my weight. On 12.26. I felt so good it was 3 PM when I realized I hadn't taken my 11:30 AM dose of hydrocortisone. I didn't even feel like I needed it but I took it then and my evening dose a little later. Driving home from MIL's house I was so excited, telling DH how good I feel and that it's time to reduce the hydrocortisone even more. The next morning I woke up feeling miserable - swollen eye lids, pain, fatigue, puffy face, etc. I didn't know what happened but I felt like staying in bed all day. Since that day I have felt miserable every single day.

Since I am going to Germany and will be starting a 21-day medically supervised fast a week from tomorrow, I guess I should just try to forget about it for now. Maybe I just need to take my beta blocker so I can have a relatively normal day and assume that all this will be resolved during the 21 day fast. But I am scared. I am trying not to be but it's not easy. There seems to be nothing left to eat that doesn't cause some kind of reaction - usually not a pleasant reaction. Turkey and fish were the only things I tolerated, but as far as I can tell I am even reacting to turkey now. I have a headache daily. My eye lids are swollen daily. For some reason I have put on quite a bit of weight in just one week because my jeans have gone from hanging on me to clinging to me. Again, I have no idea why and it is all SO frustrating.

At this point I am not even asking God for healing all that much anymore. Mostly I am just asking him for answers. I just want to know WHAT is causing my health issues. Is it really "just" fungal and bacterial overgrowth? I would especially like to know if the heart rate issue is due to fungal overgrowth or die off. And I don't understand why I am not getting better. Granted I have had periods of improvement, but they are usually followed by huge setbacks. It seems other people on GAPS, ZC, and the like improve, have a small setback, then keep improving. I on the other hand feel I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Why?

The other question I have is regarding hormones. I am still on 40 to 80 mg of progesterone cream and also testosterone cream. Some doctors claim that excess progesterone feeds candida. Some claim any hormones, synthetic or bio-identical, will feed candida. I am in the process of weaning off the hydrocortisone, but should I also wean off the progesterone? I don't know what to do. I guess I could ask the doctors at the fasting clinic, but I don't know anything about them and whether I trust them regarding my hormones. Dr. Franklin in Austin feels I need to stay on them. He disagrees that progesterone accumulates in your fat cells and you have an excess. He says if you have too much it will show up on a blood test and mine has always been low. Then there's the whole debate on blood tests versus saliva tests for hormones. Some say one is better than the other and quite frankly I don't know what to believe anymore.