Monday, January 11, 2010

starting over - again

Yesterday sucked. The whole day was a struggle. Starting some time in the afternoon I wanted to chew and spit. I didn't get back down on my knees, but I kept praying silently. I asked God to help me. This is where I don't understand 12 step programs. If *I* am powerless and I am asking God to help me, then why did I end up chewing and spitting anyhow which I now totally regret? I even called a friend but she was working on finances with her husband so I didn't want to bother her. At 6:30 PM I drove to the store, bought a bag of walnuts, came home, ground them into walnut butter, and then sat at my laptop for a while with the bowl of walnut butter next to me. I got a text message from Sarai. I could have told her then but I was too far gone. Even so, I sat there for about 30 to 40 minutes writing back and forth with Sarai and in the end gave in anyhow. I was so sure that I wasn't going to do it in 2010 yet here I am on day 10 already giving in.

Two weeks ago I was happy, had good energy, and overall felt pretty good. I woke up looking forward to the day ahead. Now I wake up and I feel this darkness and gloom like I did several months ago. I wish I could just go back to sleep and stay asleep until all this is over. The question is, WILL it ever be over? Why is my health not improving? If it's fungal overgrowth, why isn't it getting better? Is it a spiritual attack and if so, will Satan ever let up?

Not only do I feel dark and gloomy, but I am void of any emotion. Back in November when I started feeling better I also felt more connected to God, could think more clearly, and had more compassion. Now I feel no connection to God and nothing seems to phase me one way or another. A friend posted on FB that one of her friends' 10 year old daughter is having open heart surgery today. She asked for prayer. I felt nothing when I read it. How can I be so cold? How can I not care about a little girl having such a dangerous procedure?

So here I am...starting over once again. Determined not to give in to my eating disorder anymore. How many times have I said this? I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. It's not living.

I would really like to talk about this on the ZC forum, but I am "afraid" of the bashing I am going to get. One of the members assumed right away that I wasn't going to make it then was impressed when I was still there after a month. Who says something like that? And so many of the women with EDs on there are doing really well yet I am not. I am still chewing and spitting. It's embarrassing. But I thought it would be really helpful if I had an accountability partner FROM the ZC forum. I am not sure anybody would be up for it but I'll never find out because I am afraid to post about my slip up yesterday.

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